Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
it glows. i had to have it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
