Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
