I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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