I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
