I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
