if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
