FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
