god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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