i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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