Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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