A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
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Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize