Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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