I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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