I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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