your parents love me but you hate me
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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