you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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