I'm jealous of your bromance
the condom got lost in my hair
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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