im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
