meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
