who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
