Church boner. Awkwardddd
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
