pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
