Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Shame - the story of my life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
