Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
