I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
