Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
