saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
