I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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