I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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