I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
