Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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