I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
