it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
