Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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