I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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