I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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