One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
