Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
