I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
