On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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