if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have fence marks all over my body
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize