Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
