While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize