Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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