I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
