soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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