why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
