So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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