He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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