Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
