it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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