I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
