Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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