I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
