non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
