she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
