I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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