Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
