I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
